December 13, 2002
GAY PEOPLE'S CHRONICLE 11
bigtips
Amid grief and job stress, I get hassled about a rabbit
by M.T. 'the Big Tipper' Martone
Dear Big Tipper,
I am feeling very down and also very, very pissed off right now. I have had an extremely terrible year, the worst part being my mother dying in an accident this summer. She was young and healthy, and I had no reason to think I didn't have many, many more years to tell her everything I wanted to, and to hear everything she'd like to tell me. Well, that won't be happening now, and nothing will ever be okay about that.
I'm also working at a very difficult job at a residential facility for adolescents. I like my work, but it's very draining. It was okay when that was the one stressor in my life, but my mother's death has left me with no reserves, and I'm having a very hard time doing what I need to do.
On top of that, I just started dating my boss. She's nice, and it's not terribly inappropriate to be doing so as long as we don't talk about it to my coworkers, but it is stressful to be concerned that they might see us in the grocery store together, since this is a small
town.
Dear Beside You,
I'm so sorry about the way your mother died. I hate that we don't always have the time we think we have. You deserve more peace than you're getting to deal with this. I hope your new girlfriend can give you some quiet company and support, or the right kind of distraction when you need it.
I strongly suggest, especially if you have any insurance through your work, that you go in and talk to a health care provider about stress and depression. Grief is wracking, and there are support resources out there that hopefully your employer can help pay for.
The thing that is so rude about what your friend did is that she didn't talk to you herself. If she genuinely felt like your pet was suffering, why didn't she step in with an offer to help you? It's cowardly to drag someone else into the interaction.
0
BIG TIPS
Also, my new girlfriend's ex hates me because my girlfriend was with her for ten years, and I'm much younger than they are, and my girlfriend is leaving a pretty complicated home situation to be with me. We can't stay over there, and for various reasons my girlfriend has to spend most nights sleeping at her old house, where she'll be living until she saves enough to move out. So I don't get to see her much except for at work.
Last week, one of the kids at my job told me she was suicidal, so we tried to get her checked into a hospital. But they wouldn't take her because she hadn't actually tried to kill herself, which is insane. So she goes running out the hospital door to the highway and starts running in front of cars until we drag her away and they finally admit her.
I come home four hours late from work and my housemate, who was one of my best friends in college, which is why we're housemates, has decided that I wasn't taking good enough care of my pet rabbit. So she had another friend of ours waiting there to sit me down and tell me that I wasn't feeding my rabbit enough greens and that he had a big lump on his side, and what was I planning on doing?
What the fuck? No, she didn't know what I was coming home from, but she knows damn well what my life is like, and who the hell does she think she is? I know he's got a lump, but I don't have any money to bring him to the vet. I feed him rabbit food, and no, I haven't given him greens lately. But I'm having a hard time getting out of bed and to work, so everything else feels nearly impossible. What am I supposed to do?
Unfortunately, when you are grieving, other people may know and feel sad when they initially find out what happened, but they inevitably can't understand how long the experience is going to affect the way you are able to live your daily life.
It's completely reasonable and normal for you to be having a hard time, but your friends are supposed to step up to the plate for you, not plan ill-timed "interventions." When you have the energy, feel free to tell her that she has lousy timing and a really poor sense of what to do in a difficult situation.
I'm sure you love your rabbit; and maybe this is a hard time to be taking care of a pet. Do you have any close friends who would be willing to take him for a little while, or to take responsibility for coming over and helping out? It's painful to know he's sick and feel helpless about that. I've lived in a few cities that had vets with sliding scale fees, especially for emergency situations. You might also see if you can take up a collection for a checkup so you can make a good decision about his health and happiness. I've never thought it was weird to lend friends a little money for something like that. As my mom would say about money, "It's made round to go 'round."
As for the other stressors: If you're in a small town, the ex's dislike of you is a significant issue because she's harder to avoid. Give her a wide berth. She's got a right to be pissed, just like your girlfriend had a right to leave. It's just a lot of years, and apparently a lot of entanglements that need to be teased out, and they have almost nothing to do with you. Try not to let her anger bug you. It's not really about you.
Focus on the bright spot that your girlfriend provides. Good luck with the small town invisibility. Take care, sweetie. ♡
Send questions to the Chronicle, attention Big Tips, P.O. Box 5426, Cleveland 44101, online at www.bigtipsonline.com, e-mail toquestion@bigtipsonline.com or fax to 216-
Beside Myself 631-1052.
Be the flower.
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